Your kid had a big game. What do you say?
Your son scored twenty-two tonight, including the shot that won it. The ride home feels easy, and it should. It’s also the night it’s easiest to say something that makes the next game about being the best, instead of about getting better.
A big game is a good night to ask what made it work. What he credits is what he’s likely to try to repeat.
Your first reaction
What you’ll want to say
The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.
Both are proud, and both may be true tonight. Both also make the night about where he stands next to other kids, or about a gift he was born with, instead of what he did to get there.
Your own historyWere you the best on your team at his age? What happened when everyone else caught up?
The idea
What’s really going on
The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.
What he thinks made tonight work shapes what he does next
Think of a great month at work. “I prepared for that presentation for weeks” and “The other company was weak” lead to very different next months.
“I kept attacking the basket, like I’ve been working on.”After a good game, explanations about his own effort and work are among those expected to keep him motivated. He can carry them into the next game.
“Their defense was terrible.”
“I’m just better than those guys.”A weak opponent won’t be there next time, and it leaves him nothing of his own to repeat. Being better than others puts his attention on where he stands, not on what he controls.
Researchers who study motivation describe two ways kids can focus: on their own effort and improvement, or on how they compare to others. Comparing comes with growing up, usually around the teen years, and a shift toward comparison is one reason motivation can drop then, especially for kids who start to see themselves as less able. The adults around a kid can help keep the focus on getting better. Teams where a few top players get most of the attention, and beating others is what counts, are linked to more burnout and dropout, across ages and ability levels.
Based on: attribution theory and achievement motivation research
The ride home
In the car
What to do, in the order it comes up.
If you’re excited too, enjoy it. Let him tell it first anyway.
Let him tell it. Then:
What you might hear
“I kept attacking the basket, like I’ve been working on.” That’s his, and he can do it again. Let him own it.
Sometimes true. But luck gives him nothing to repeat. Ask what he did that worked.
“Their defense was garbage.” Maybe. It also leaves him nothing to carry into the next game. Ask about one play: “Walk me through the shot that won it.”
Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the shot that won it.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
His to decide: what to keep working on, now that it’s working.
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.
Your son is fifteen and one of the best players on the team. Tonight he scored twenty-two, including the shot that won it. In the car he says, “That was awesome.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
Practice
Then what?
This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.
You ask, “What do you think made tonight work?” He says, “I don’t know. Their defense was pretty bad.” What do you say next?
How this tends to land with your kid
A big game is a good night to ask what made it work. What he credits is what he’s likely to try to repeat.
Practice this one with your own kid
Practice every ride home. The full version, $149 once:
- Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details
- More than a dozen common nights for your kid’s sport, or describe your own
- Full notes on every line you try, not just the highlights
- Three short lessons: what to notice at the game, how to ask in the car, and how to leave what’s next to them
- Help that steps back as you get better, so you need it less
- A free second seat for whoever else drives your kid home
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See the full versionThat’s the last one
For an ordinary game night, the after-game card keeps the questions on one screen for the car.