The Ride Home
  1. 1ObserveDuring the game
  2. 2AskIn the car
    2AskIn the car
  3. 3Their callWhat’s next
    3Their callWhat’s next

Golf

Observe

Watch what your kid did, not just what happened. Keep what you saw to yourself until they ask.

Part of The Ride Home, practice for the drive home after games, from Aaron Lewis, CMPC. This lesson is free.

Before the first tee shot

First, check yourself

Observe starts before the first tee shot, with you.

Think of a day you brought work home, and someone at home caught the edge of it.

You bring your whole life to the course: work, money, family, your health, whatever you’re worried about. Some nights the game isn’t the heaviest thing in the car.

So check yourself before the first tee shot, and again before they get in the car. How are you, not just about the game? Tired, stressed, worried, short on patience, still hot about a call?

The check-in

  • Green. Settled. Go ahead.
  • Yellow. Wound up, and you know it. Slow down. Take one long breath out, longer than the breath in. Then go.
  • Red. Not settled yet. Wait. Just drive. Quiet is a fine answer today.

Based on: emotion regulation research on check-ins and breathing

The tool

How Observe works

Three things, one for each part of the game: what to ask yourself while you watch, how to act while you watch the round, and what to do with what you saw.

In your head

“Did they do what they meant to do, whatever happened?”

Outside the ropes

Watch like a scout. Cheer like a fan.

Afterward

Keep one specific thing you saw. Share it if they ask.

If she asks what you thought: “That hole after your triple. You walked to the next tee like nothing happened.”

During the game

What to watch for

The scoreboard shows what happened. These show what your kid did, which is the part they control. Pick one or two to watch; you don’t need the whole list.

Anyone can spot these

  • The next shot after a bad oneSame routine? Same body language? That’s the one to watch most.
  • After a blowup holeSame pace, same routine?
  • Close, on the last few holesStill making real swings, or just trying not to make a big number?
  • After a bad callWatch the response, not the call.

If you know golf, add these

  • On the teeA committed swing counts, even when it finds the rough.
  • On the greenA good read and a good stroke count, even when it lips out.
  • Between shotsA reset, a breath, a plan for the next one.

Practice

Try it

A rep before the real thing. Here’s a moment from outside the ropes. Pick what you’d do, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your daughter, and why.

Your turn

A rules official gives your daughter a penalty stroke you’re sure was wrong. The parent next to you starts arguing with the official. What do you do?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

The research

Why it works

Why noticing what your kid did beats watching the scoreboard.

Think about being judged only on numbers you partly control: a sales month, a project your team dropped. Then think about a boss who noticed the effort and care you put in every day, whether the numbers came or not. Which one made you want to keep at it?

Your kid’s game works the same way.

Results depend on a lot a player can’t control: the course, the wind, the greens, a good shot that takes a bad bounce. Players who focus on their own effort and improvement are watching the part they have more control over. Players who focus on how they stack up against others can lose motivation when they start coming out behind.

What you notice matters. Feedback and encouragement from parents is one of the places young athletes get their confidence.

Based on: achievement motivation and sport confidence research

Watch out for

Where it goes wrong

Two common ways this goes wrong, usually from a parent who cares a lot.

The postgame breakdown“You left every putt short all day.”Accurate, and said in the car without being asked. Done every time, it makes you a second coach, and they start waiting for your read instead of trusting their own.
The sideline coach“Keep your head down!”Think of someone giving you directions while you parallel park. Parents are on the research’s list of outside distractions during a game. Instruction can come at another time and place.