The ride home
What to say after a bad game, one decision at a time.
Your son is fourteen. He played a solid round until the last hole, when he three-putted from fifteen feet. His team lost by one stroke.
Four decisions, in the order they come up on the way home. At each one, pick what you’d do and see how it tends to land with him.
1 of 4. Before you say anything
He gets in the car, puts his headphones on, and looks out the window. You’re still hot about that last hole, and it’s been a long week. What do you do first?
How this tends to land with your kid
2 of 4. The opener
You took a breath and you’re settled. He’s still looking out the window. What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
3 of 4. When he starts talking
Ten minutes later he takes one earbud out. “I cost us the match.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
4 of 4. What’s next
He thinks about it. “I was scared of running it past. I want to work on my putting speed.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
The whole ride, put together
Try all four decisions above to finish the ride.
You take one long breath out.
Ten minutes later, one earbud comes out.
What just happened. He went from “I cost us the match” to a plan he made himself, and he asked you to be part of it. You said four short things. You never told him what went wrong, and you didn’t have to. That’s the whole ride home.
After a good game
The same four decisions work after a win. Check yourself, let him pick the time, let him go first, let him decide what’s next. What changes is what you listen for when he goes first.
Something he did, and can do again“I stuck to my routine on every putt, like I’ve been working on.”
Let him own it. After a good game, explanations about his own effort and work are among those expected to keep him motivated.
Luck or an easy course“I got lucky.” “The course was really easy today.”
Sometimes true. But it gives him nothing of his own to repeat. Ask what he did that worked.
Being better than everyone“I was the best one out there.”
Maybe true today. But it ties how he feels to where he stands, and other kids keep getting better. Ask what he did that worked.
One question does most of the work: “What do you think made today work?”
Based on: attribution theory and achievement motivation research. More on the good nights
Four decisions, three tools
- Check yourself first.
- Let him pick the time.
- Let him go first.
- Let him decide what’s next.
Keep the card on your phone. It has the whole ride on one screen.