A bad call ended the game. What do you say?
Tie game, under a minute left. Your son throws a check, and the ref throws a flag for slashing. They score on the man-up. Game over. Half the sideline yelled, and you might have too. When you feel robbed, it’s easy to keep the call alive all the way home.
A bad call is one of the healthier things to blame after a loss. Let him blame it, and let it end with tonight.
Your first reaction
What you’ll want to say
The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.
The first keeps the call at the center of the night. The second is a lesson he didn’t ask for. Neither starts with how he saw it.
Your own historyThink of a time a decision went against you unfairly. What helped you move on?
The idea
What’s really going on
The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.
Blaming the call can be a healthy explanation
Think of a trip wrecked by a storm. “The weather ruined it” isn’t an excuse. It’s accurate, and it says nothing about you.
After a loss, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.
“That ref cost us the game.”It wasn’t him, and it won’t happen every game.
“We always get robbed.”
“I always choke in big spots.”“Always” turns one night into a pattern he can’t do anything about.
A bad call is outside his control, and it won’t happen every game. Explaining a loss that way is one of the healthier reads. Once he’s said his piece about it, his own last shift is the part he can use.
Based on: attribution theory
The ride home
In the car
What to do, in the order it comes up.
If you’re still hot about the call, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first. Your take on the call can drown out his.
If not, let it be. If he wants to talk, let him say his piece about the call first. Then:
What you might hear
“The ref cost us the game.” Let it stand. He isn’t making an excuse.
“Always” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”
“I shouldn’t have checked there.” That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.
Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
His to decide: whether there’s anything more to say about the call after tonight, or whether to let it go.
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.
Tie game, under a minute left. Your son throws a check, the ref flags him for slashing, and they score on the man-up to win. In the car he says, “That ref cost us the game.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
Practice
Then what?
This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.
You say, “Walk me through that last shift.” He says, “I checked him clean. I know I did. The ref flagged me anyway.” What do you say next?
How this tends to land with your kid
A bad call is one of the healthier things to blame after a loss. Let him blame it, and let it end with tonight.
Practice this one with your own kid
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