Your kid is in a slump. What do you say?
Your son hasn’t scored in three weeks. He’s pressing, forcing shots every time he touches the ball, and it isn’t helping. He’s quieter at dinner. Slumps are hard to watch because nothing you say seems to fix them, and the urge to fix them grows every game.
You can’t score for him. You can help keep one bad stretch from becoming who he thinks he is.
Your first reaction
What you’ll want to say
The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.
The first adds one more voice to a head that’s probably already full of tips from coaches and teammates. The second is kind, and it answers him with a prediction before asking how he sees it.
Your own historyHave you been in a rut where every piece of advice made it worse?
The idea
What’s really going on
The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.
Watch how he explains the slump, not just the numbers.
Think of a stretch at work when nothing went right. “This project is a mess” and “I’m bad at my job” feel very different by Friday.
“I’m getting good looks. The goalie keeps saving them.”
“I’ve been rushing my shot.”About this stretch: bad luck, or something he can work on.
“I can’t score anymore.”
“I just suck.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond lacrosse, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.
More advice may not be the answer. Players who get frequent tips tend to lean on them instead of their own feel. And thinking about mechanics during a game, like where his hands are on the stick, can pull him out of just competing.
Based on: attribution theory, learned helplessness research, motor learning research on feedback, and research on attention under pressure
The ride home
In the car
What to do, in the order it comes up.
If the slump is weighing on you too, settle your own worry before you bring up the slump. He can usually tell when you’re worried.
If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:
What you might hear
“I’m getting good looks. The goalie keeps saving them.” That’s a healthy explanation: the looks are there and the goals aren’t. Let it stand.
That’s the explanation to listen for. Rather than arguing with it, ask about one shot. One shot is something he can look at.
He has a lot of voices in his ear. Tonight, the most helpful thing may be one less voice giving advice.
Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the one that hit the pipe.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
His to decide: what to work on, and whose advice to listen to.
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.
Your son is sixteen and hasn’t scored in his last six games. In the car he says, “I can’t score anymore.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
Practice
Then what?
This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.
You say, “Walk me through one of your shots tonight.” He says, “Third quarter, I was wide open on the crease. Goalie saved it. Like always.” What do you say next?
How this tends to land with your kid
You can’t score for him. You can help keep one bad stretch from becoming who he thinks he is.
Practice this one with your own kid
Practice every ride home. The full version, $149 once:
- Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details
- More than a dozen common nights for your kid’s sport, or describe your own
- Full notes on every line you try, not just the highlights
- Three short lessons: what to notice at the game, how to ask in the car, and how to leave what’s next to them
- Help that steps back as you get better, so you need it less
- A free second seat for whoever else drives your kid home
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