Baseball

“Coach’s son never sits.”What do you say?

For Baseball Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Let him say how he sees it first, and keep your own read on the coach for later.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“What did you see out there tonight?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

On your son’s travel team, the coach’s son plays every inning, on the mound or at short. Your son started at third tonight and sat the last three innings. In the car he says, “Coach’s son never sits.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“Everybody in the bleachers knows he plays favorites.”

“Maybe it’s time we found a new travel team.”

The first puts your read of the coach at the center of the night. The second decides what to do before he’s said what he thinks.

Your own historyDid you ever play for a coach who seemed to favor someone? What did you want from your own parents?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Whether it’s fair is a question for another day

Parent coaches play their own kids for lots of reasons. Sometimes their kid is better right now, sometimes it’s a blind spot, sometimes it’s both. You won’t sort out which on the drive home, and your read on the coach can drown out his.

What tonight can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableSitting gives him fewer chances to show what he can do.

Feeling connectedHe can start to feel like the team belongs to someone else.

Feeling it’s his choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Whether the coach is being fair is worth thinking through later, and what to do about it is his to decide. Tonight, let him say what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you have strong feelings about this coach, keep them for later. His come first tonight.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“What did you see out there tonight?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Say it back before you add anything.

Hear it out. Another day, you can ask what he’d want to happen, and who he’d want to talk to.

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if he wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “What did you see out there tonight?” He says, “He made two errors at short and stayed in. I made one at third and sat.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: whether to ask the coach about it, stay with the team, or look at other teams. If he wants help thinking it through, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Let him say how he sees it first, and keep your own read on the coach for later.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

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