- 1ObserveDuring the game1ObserveDuring the game
- 2AskIn the car
- 3Their callWhat’s next3Their callWhat’s next
Softball
Ask
Your kid tells you how they saw their game before you weigh in. It works even if you never played.
The tool
How Ask works
Four steps, in the order they come up on the drive: give your kid the choice to talk, ask your question, keep it going, and share what you saw only if they want it.
First
“Want to talk about it, or not right now?” If it’s not right now, drive. Easy talk about something else, like where to eat, is fine too. It keeps you connected, and the game can wait until they bring it up.
Then
“What did you think of your game?” Listen to the whole answer.
Keep it going
Your next line does one of two things. Say back what you heard, in their words (“The high one.”), or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about that at-bat.” The urge to fix the problem, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
If they ask you
Share the one thing you kept from Observe.
In the car
What to listen for
Their answer tells you how they’re reading their own game. You don’t need to know softball to hear it. Listen for how they explain the game. Is it all on them? Is it forever? Or is it about today?
After a tough game
- Not all on them, not forever, about today
“Their pitcher was really good today.” “I was late on the fastball. I’ll be ready next time.”
That’s a healthy read, not an excuse. - All on them, always
“I always choke.” “I’m terrible.”
This is the one to listen for. Skip the debate and ask about today: “Pick one play from tonight and walk me through it.” If it keeps coming up for weeks, or shows up away from the field too, talk to someone who works with young athletes.
After a good game
- Theirs, and something they can do again
“I stayed with my plan.” “I worked on that all week.”
Let them own it. - Luck
“I just got lucky.”
Sometimes true. But luck gives them nothing to repeat. Ask what they did that worked.
When it’s mostly feeling
- Tears, anger, or silenceThink of the last time you were really angry and someone told you to calm down. Did it help? Let the feeling be there. Your part can be as small as “That one stings,” and then a quiet drive. Fighting a feeling, or pushing it down, appears to backfire. Making sense of the game can come later, with them leading.Based on: emotion regulation research
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Here’s a moment from the car. Pick what you’d say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your daughter, and why.
Your daughter dropped a fly ball in the sixth, and two runs scored. Her team lost by one. In the car she says, “I’m the worst. I always mess up when it matters.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
The research
Why it works
Two reasons: kids learn more when they go first, and they keep talking when they feel heard.
They learn more when they go first
After a bad day at work, would you rather someone ask how it went, or tell you what you did wrong?
In skill learning, players who judge their own performance before anyone else weighs in tend to learn more. It can make them less likely to depend on someone else’s verdict, and you don’t need to know the game to ask.
Letting them pick the time matters too. Players who choose when they get feedback tend to learn better.
Based on: motor learning research on feedback
They tend to keep talking when they feel heard
Think of the last time you vented to a friend and they jumped straight to advice. Did you keep talking?
Trained listeners work to resist the urge to set someone straight. Saying back what someone said, in their own words, and asking for more encourages them to keep talking and shows they’re being heard.
Based on: counseling listening skills and motivational interviewing
Watch out for
Where it goes wrong
Two common ways the car conversation goes wrong, even when you mean well.
“Why did you swing at that? What were you thinking?”Questions with the answer built in. They land like a verdict.
“You’re the best player out there.”Meant to help, and encouragement does matter. It just talks over their read. Hear them first.