The ride home
What to say after a bad game, one decision at a time.
Your daughter is fourteen. She played a solid game until the last inning, when a ground ball went under her glove. The winning run scored on it.
Four decisions, in the order they come up on the way home. At each one, pick what you’d do and see how it tends to land with her.
1 of 4. Before you say anything
She gets in the car, puts her headphones on, and looks out the window. You’re still hot about that inning, and it’s been a long week. What do you do first?
How this tends to land with your kid
2 of 4. The opener
You took a breath and you’re settled. She’s still looking out the window. What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
3 of 4. When she starts talking
Ten minutes later she takes one earbud out. “I cost us the game.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
4 of 4. What’s next
She thinks about it. “I was back on my heels. I want to work on my first step.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
The whole ride, put together
Try all four decisions above to finish the ride.
You take one long breath out.
Ten minutes later, one earbud comes out.
What just happened. She went from “I cost us the game” to a plan she made herself, and she asked you to be part of it. You said four short things. You never told her what went wrong, and you didn’t have to. That’s the whole ride home.
After a good game
The same four decisions work after a win. Check yourself, let her pick the time, let her go first, let her decide what’s next. What changes is what you listen for when she goes first.
Something she did, and can do again“I stayed back on the curveball, like I’ve been working on.”
Let her own it. After a good game, explanations about her own effort and work are among those expected to keep her motivated.
Luck or a weak opponent“I got lucky.” “Their pitcher was terrible.”
Sometimes true. But it gives her nothing of her own to repeat. Ask what she did that worked.
Being better than everyone“I was the best one out there.”
Maybe true tonight. But it ties how she feels to where she stands, and other kids keep getting better. Ask what she did that worked.
One question does most of the work: “What do you think made tonight work?”
Based on: attribution theory and achievement motivation research. More on the good nights
Four decisions, three tools
- Check yourself first.
- Let her pick the time.
- Let her go first.
- Let her decide what’s next.
Keep the card on your phone. It has the whole ride on one screen.