The Ride Home
A kid sitting on the edge of the bed, head down, a parent leaning in the doorway

Your kid says they want to quit. What do you say?

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

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Your daughter says she doesn’t want to swim anymore. Maybe after a bad meet, maybe out of nowhere on a Tuesday. For a lot of parents, it’s the hardest thing to hear. You’ve put years into this together, and there may be money, a team, and your own weekends wrapped up in it.

The short version

“I don’t want to swim anymore” is usually the start of a conversation, not the end of one. Ask what it stands for before you answer it.

Or describe your own night

Your first reaction

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You made a commitment.”
“Where is this coming from? You love swimming.”

Both come from love, and from knowing what she’d be walking away from. Both also argue with “I don’t want to swim anymore” before you know what she means by it.

Your own historyDid you ever quit something? Did someone make you stay, or let you go? How do you feel about it now?

The idea

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Why she swims matters more than whether she swims this week

Think of something you kept doing only because someone expected it, and something you chose. Which one got your best effort?

Kids tend to stay motivated, and enjoy their sport, when three things are true:

Feeling capableShe’s good at it, or can see herself getting better.
Feeling it’s her choiceShe swims because she wants to, not because someone requires it.
Feeling connectedShe likes the people around her: teammates, coaches, you.

When one goes missing, motivation tends to drop, and a kid low on motivation may start to pull away from the sport. “I don’t want to swim anymore” can be one way that shows up. Feeling pushed by parents to keep swimming is one way she can stop feeling it’s her choice.

Based on: self-determination theory

The ride home

When she says it

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If it hits you hard, it’s okay to say, “I want to hear about this. Can we talk tomorrow?” and mean it.

“Want to talk about it now, or another time?”

When she’s ready:

“What makes you not want to swim?”

What you might hear

“I’m just tired all the time.”

Being worn out all the time is part of burnout, which is different from a bad week (more on that below). Ask about how much she’s doing, not just how she’s swimming.

“It’s not fun anymore.”

Ask when it stopped being fun. Her answer may point to which one is missing: feeling capable, feeling it’s her choice, or feeling connected.

“I’m not good enough.”

That’s about feeling capable. Ask about one recent meet rather than arguing with it.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice lately.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Hers to decide: whether she wants to keep swimming.

Yours to decide, as her parents: the timing, like whether she finishes this season. Hear her reasons first.

Practice

Try it

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Tuesday night. Your daughter is fifteen. You’re doing the dishes together when she says, without looking up, “I think I’m done with swimming.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Practice

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “What makes you not want to swim?” She says, “It’s just not fun anymore. Practice is the same thing every day.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

If it’s bigger

When it’s more than a bad stretch

Burnout is different from a bad week. It shows up as being worn out, feeling like she’s accomplishing less, and caring less about swimming. If those last for weeks, talk to someone who works with young athletes.

If you remember one thing

“I don’t want to swim anymore” is usually the start of a conversation, not the end of one. Ask what it stands for before you answer it.

Practice this one with your own kid

Practice every ride home. The full version, $149 once:

  • Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details
  • More than a dozen common nights for your kid’s sport, or describe your own
  • Full notes on every line you try, not just the highlights
  • Three short lessons: what to notice at the meet, how to ask in the car, and how to leave what’s next to them
  • Help that steps back as you get better, so you need it less
  • A free second seat for whoever else drives your kid home
“I was genuinely so impressed (and shocked!) at how it adapted the examples and language based on the specific sport I selected.”
Andrea F.

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