Your kid lost his spot in the lineup. What do you say?
Your son lost a challenge match to a teammate this week and dropped from second singles to third. Tonight he played third for the first time. You’re in the stands watching, and part of you wants to fix the lineup before he even gets in the car.
His spot in the lineup isn’t yours to fix tonight. His say in his own season is yours to protect.
Your first reaction
What you’ll want to say
The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.
Both are on his side. Both also decide what his spot on the team means, and what to do about it, before he’s said what he thinks.
Your own historyDid you ever lose your spot to a teammate? Did you want someone to step in, or to let you handle it?
The idea
What’s really going on
The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.
Why he lost the spot is a question for another day
Kids drop in the lineup for lots of reasons. The teammate played better that day. He’s been in a slump. The top of the team is deep this year. Or the coach sees it differently than you do. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.
What tonight can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:
The reasons are worth working out later, and mostly between him and his coach. Tonight, let him decide what it means.
Based on: self-determination theory
The ride home
In the car
What to do, in the order it comes up.
If you’re angrier than he is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving before you say anything about the coach.
If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:
What you might hear
That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told him about his role.
Talk like this can come before effort slips. Ask what he’d want to get out of practice this week, whatever the lineup says.
That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if he wants help thinking through how to ask.
Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice this week.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
His to decide: what to do about it. When he’s had his say, ask, “What do you want to do about it?” Talking to Coach is one option, and what to ask is his call too. If he wants help planning it, he can tell you.
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.
Your son just played his first match at third singles. In the car he says, “This isn’t fair. One bad day and I lose my spot.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
Practice
Then what?
This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.
You ask, “Do you think you should be higher in the lineup?” He says, “Yeah. I’m better than him. I just had a bad day.” What do you say next?
How this tends to land with your kid
His spot in the lineup isn’t yours to fix tonight. His say in his own season is yours to protect.
Practice this one with your own kid
Practice every ride home. The full version, $149 once:
- Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details
- More than a dozen common nights for your kid’s sport, or describe your own
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- Three short lessons: what to notice at the game, how to ask in the car, and how to leave what’s next to them
- Help that steps back as you get better, so you need it less
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