The Ride Home
  1. 1ObserveDuring the game
    1ObserveDuring the game
  2. 2AskIn the car
    2AskIn the car
  3. 3Their callWhat’s next

Volleyball

Their call

Your kid decides what to work on, how, or whether to just let it go. You help with the part they ask you to.

The tool

How Their call works

Three steps for the end of the conversation: ask if there’s anything to work on, let your kid choose how, and help only in the way they ask for.

First

“Anything from tonight you want to work on, or just let it go?” Both are real answers.

If they pick something

“How do you want to work on it?” Let them choose the how.

If they want help

Ask what kind: tossing to them, finding a drill, or staying out of it. Then let them be the one to bring it up again.

Wrapping up the ride

What to listen for

Their answer tells you whose plan it is, and whether it’s something they can actually work on.

When they pick something

  • Something they can do“I want to work on my serve toss.” “More reps passing float serves.”That’s a plan. Help with it only if they ask.
  • A result“I need to make varsity.” “We have to beat them Saturday.”Fine to want that. Ask, “What would help you get there?” That turns where they want to end up into something they can work on.Based on: goal-setting research

When they don’t

  • Letting it go“It was one game.” “I’m good.”That’s a real call. Let it stand.
  • Giving up“What’s the point? I’m never going to get it.”That isn’t letting it go. It’s the same “all on them, always” answer from Ask. Go back to one play: “Pick one play from tonight and walk me through it.”
  • Handing it to you“I don’t know. Whatever you think.”Hand it back once: “What do you think would help most?” If they still don’t know, that’s fine. The decision can wait.

Practice

Try it

A rep before the real thing. Here’s a moment from the car. Pick what you’d say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your daughter, and why.

Your turn

Your daughter is fifteen. She hit into the net four times tonight. In the car she says, “I need to fix my hitting.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

The research

Why it works

Two reasons: kids stick with plans they chose themselves, and they learn more when they decide when to get feedback.

Think of a plan someone handed you, and one you made yourself. Which one did you actually stick with?

Kids who play because a parent requires it, or to keep a parent happy, are playing for someone else’s reasons, and they likely feel less in control of their own sport. Kids who play because they choose it and enjoy it put in more practice time and show more commitment.

The same goes for feedback. Players who decide when they get it learn skills better than players who get it on someone else’s schedule.

Based on: self-determination theory and motor learning research on feedback

Watch out for

Where it goes wrong

Two common ways this goes wrong, usually when a parent is trying to help.

The plan for them“Tomorrow we’re hitting a hundred balls after school.”It might be a good plan. It’s still yours.
The question with the answer in it“You want to work on that this week, right?”It sounds like a choice. They can hear that it isn’t one.