Your kid got cut. What do you say?
Your daughter tried out for varsity, and her name isn’t on the list. She worked for this, and so did you. The list is posted for everyone to see, and you may feel the cut almost as much as she does.
Tonight isn’t for fixing anything. It’s for letting her say how she sees the cut first.
Your first reaction
What you’ll want to say
The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.
Both come from love. Both also answer for her before she’s said how she sees the cut, and how she sees it matters more than it might seem.
Your own historyWere you ever cut? What did you need that night, and is that what she needs now?
The idea
What’s really going on
The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.
How she explains the cut shapes what she does next
Think of a job you didn’t get. “They wanted more experience” and “I’m just not good at this” lead to very different months ahead.
“I’m not ready yet.”There’s something to work toward.
“I’m just not good.”
“He only picks the girls from his AAU team.”Both make next year look like this year, which is thought to hurt motivation. And if she decides it’s her own lack of ability, for good, and that spreads past basketball, she can start pulling back effort, because effort stops seeming to matter.
Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research
The ride home
In the car
What to do, in the order it comes up.
If you’re still angry at the coach, just drive. Quiet is fine tonight.
If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:
What you might hear
It may be true. It also leaves her nothing she can change. Hear her out tonight. What she might work on can wait.
Rather than arguing, try: “Pick one part of the tryout and tell me about it.” Talking through one tryout keeps her thinking about that tryout, not about everything.
“I’m done with basketball.” That may be tonight talking. It’s a real decision, and it can wait until she isn’t hurting.
Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the tryout.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.
Hers to decide, another day: whether to try out again, play somewhere else, work on something, or step back.
Practice
Try it
A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.
Your daughter is fifteen and just got cut from varsity. In the car she says, “He only picks the girls from his AAU team.” What do you say?
How this tends to land with your kid
Practice
Then what?
This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.
You ask, “What did you think of the tryout?” She says, “Drills went okay. Then I turned it over twice in the scrimmage, right in front of the coach.” What do you say next?
How this tends to land with your kid
Tonight isn’t for fixing anything. It’s for letting her say how she sees the cut first.
Practice this one with your own kid
Practice every ride home. The full version, $149 once:
- Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details
- More than a dozen common nights for your kid’s sport, or describe your own
- Full notes on every line you try, not just the highlights
- Three short lessons: what to notice at the game, how to ask in the car, and how to leave what’s next to them
- Help that steps back as you get better, so you need it less
- A free second seat for whoever else drives your kid home
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