Golf

“My score didn’t even count.”What do you say?

For Golf Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

His place on the team isn’t yours to fix today. Ask how he sees his role before you weigh in.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your son plays fifth on his high school team, and only the top four scores count. The team won today, and his 86 was the score they dropped. In the car he says, “My score didn’t even count.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“The team won. That’s what matters.”

“You just need a few more hours on your short game.”

The first answers him with the result. The second is a fix he didn’t ask for. Neither starts with how he sees it.

Your own historyWere you ever on a team where your part didn’t seem to count? What did you want to hear?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains today, in plain words.

His place on the team is a question for another day

A score gets dropped for lots of reasons. Four teammates had better days, the top of the team is deep this year, or one bad stretch cost him a few shots. Some days his will count and some days it won’t, and you won’t sort out what it means on the drive home.

What today can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableBeing the score that drops can leave him wondering what he adds.

Feeling connectedHe can start to feel outside his own team, even on a day it won.

Feeling it’s his choiceThis is the one you can protect today.

What he wants his role on this team to be is worth talking through later, and it’s his to decide. Today, let him say what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re more bothered by the dropped score than he is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels today, and it’s worth hearing out. Say it back before you add anything.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to today: “Tell me about today’s round.”

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if he wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about your round today.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you see your role on this team right now?” He says, “I’m just the extra. If I didn’t show up, nobody would notice.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he wants his role to be, and whether to ask the coach what would move him up. If he wants help planning what to say, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

His place on the team isn’t yours to fix today. Ask how he sees his role before you weigh in.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

Not sure yet? Try a free practice ride first

Season

$49

Launch price

4 months. Every kid and every sport in that season.

Get the season

Best value

Full year

$89

Launch price

The whole year, for less than two seasons. Every sport, every kid.

Get the year