Hockey

“I took a dumb penalty.”What do you say?

For Hockey Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

He already knows how it went. Let him tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until he asks.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through what happened.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Second period. A player slashes your son after the whistle, and he slashes back. The ref only sees his, and the coach sits him for the rest of the period. In the car he says, “I took a dumb penalty.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“That was a selfish penalty. You put your team down a player.”

“They were trying to get you to do that, and you let them.”

Both may be true. Both are verdicts he can already hear in his own head, and neither lets him tell it first.

Your own historyDid you ever lose your cool in front of everyone? What helped you own it, and what made you dig in?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

What he does with it depends on how he explains it

Think of snapping back at someone in a meeting. “I was frustrated and went too far” and “That’s just how I am” lead to very different next weeks.

The explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I got frustrated and swung back.”“I should have skated away.”About tonight: something he can do differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always lose my temper.”“The refs have it out for me.”“Always,” or blaming someone else for good, makes next time look the same.

If he names his own part, it’s his to work on. A lesson from you tonight can end the conversation before he gets there.

Based on: attribution theory and motivational interviewing

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re embarrassed or angry about the penalty, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through what happened.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Hear it out. Another day, you can ask what he’d do differently.

That’s him owning it, and it’s heavy. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest.

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through what happened.” He says, “He slashed me first, after the whistle. I knew the ref was right there, and I swung back anyway.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he takes from tonight, and whether to say anything to his coach or his teammates. If he wants help with that, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

He already knows how it went. Let him tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until he asks.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

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