Lacrosse

“I turned it over and we lost.”What do you say?

For Lacrosse Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One play doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through that last clear.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Tie game, under a minute left. Your son gets stripped on the clear, and they score the winner. In the car he says, “I turned it over and we lost.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You were great all game. One turnover doesn’t matter.”

“Next time, get your head up and look for the outlet.”

The first tries to cancel the play out. The second is a lesson he didn’t ask for. Neither starts with how he saw it.

Your own historyDid you ever make a mistake at the end that everyone saw? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One play is one play

Think of one email you sent to the wrong person at work. “I was rushing” and “I always mess things up” feel very different by the next week.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I had my head down and didn’t see the double.”“I tried to beat them myself instead of passing.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always mess up when it matters.”“I’m never carrying the ball again.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond lacrosse, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

He already knows what that turnover cost. Let him size it up before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still feeling that play yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through that last clear.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Always” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s clear.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through that last clear.” He says, “I had a pass open, but I wanted to carry it myself. So dumb.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he takes from tonight, and what he wants to work on before the next game. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One play doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

Not sure yet? Try a free practice ride first

Season

$49

Launch price

4 months. Every kid and every sport in that season.

Get the season

Best value

Full year

$89

Launch price

The whole year, for less than two seasons. Every sport, every kid.

Get the year