Soccer

“Coach keeps putting me at outside back.”What do you say?

For Soccer Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Where he plays isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how he sees his role before you weigh in.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your son has played forward his whole life. Tonight the coach had him at outside back again. In the car he says, “Coach keeps putting me at outside back.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You’re wasted at outside back. You’re a forward.”

“Ask him for a shot up top, or we start looking at other clubs.”

Both are on his side. Both also decide what his position means, and what to do about it, before he’s said what he thinks.

Your own historyDid a coach ever play you somewhere you didn’t want to be? What did you want to hear?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

His position is a question for another day

Coaches move players for lots of reasons. The team needs cover there, they see something in him, they want every player to learn more than one spot, or they simply see it differently than you do. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capablePlaying somewhere new gives him fewer chances to show what he does best.

Feeling connectedHe can start to feel like the team’s plan doesn’t include him.

Feeling it’s his choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach moved him is worth asking, and mostly between him and his coach. Tonight, let him decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re more upset about the position than he is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told him about his role.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if he wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice this week.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you see your role on this team right now?” He says, “I’m just filling a hole. Anyone could play there.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he wants to play, and whether to ask the coach about it. If he wants help planning what to say, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Where he plays isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how he sees his role before you weigh in.

Practice this one with your own kid

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