Soccer

“I got a red card.”What do you say?

For Soccer Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

He already knows how it went. Let him tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until he asks.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through what happened.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your son got a second yellow for a late tackle with twenty minutes left, and his team lost a player down. In the car he says, “I got a red card.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“That was a reckless tackle. You’re lucky nobody got hurt.”

“You left your team down a player.”

Both may be true. Both are verdicts he can already hear in his own head, and neither lets him tell it first.

Your own historyDid you ever lose your cool in front of everyone? What helped you own it, and what made you dig in?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

What he does with it depends on how he explains it

Think of snapping at someone in a meeting. “I was frustrated and went too far” and “That’s just how I am” lead to very different next weeks.

The explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I was frustrated and went in late.”“I should have backed off after the first yellow.”About tonight: something he can do differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always lose it.”“The refs have it out for me.”“Always,” or blaming someone else for good, makes next time look the same.

If he names his own part, it’s his to work on. A lesson from you tonight can end the conversation before he gets there.

Based on: attribution theory and motivational interviewing

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re embarrassed or angry about the card, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through what happened.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Hear it out. Another day, you can ask what he’d do differently.

That’s him owning it, and it’s heavy. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest.

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through what happened.” He says, “Their winger kept grabbing my shirt, so I went in hard. I knew I was on a yellow.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he takes from tonight, and whether to say anything to his coach or his team. If he wants help with that, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

He already knows how it went. Let him tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until he asks.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

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