Softball

“Coach made me the flex. I never hit.”What do you say?

For Softball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Her role isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she sees it before you weigh in.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your daughter batted third all season. Tonight she was listed as the flex, so she played the field and someone else batted in her spot. In the car she says, “Coach made me the flex. I never hit.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You’re one of the best hitters on the team. It makes no sense.”

“Let’s get you hitting lessons, so he has to put you back in the lineup.”

Both are on her side. Both also decide what her role means, and what to do about it, before she’s said what she thinks.

Your own historyDid a coach ever give you a role you didn’t want? What did you want to hear?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Her role is a question for another day

Coaches set the lineup for lots of reasons. They want her glove in the field, another bat in the order, a matchup with the pitcher, or they simply see it differently than you do. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableNo at-bats gives her fewer chances to show what she can do at the plate.

Feeling connectedShe can start to feel like the lineup doesn’t include her.

Feeling it’s her choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach set the lineup this way is worth asking, and mostly between her and her coach. Tonight, let her decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re more upset about the lineup than she is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told her about her role.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if she wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice this week.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you see your role on this team right now?” She says, “I’m just a glove now. Anybody could bat for me.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what role she wants, and whether to ask the coach what it would take to hit again. If she wants help planning what to say, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Her role isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she sees it before you weigh in.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

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