The well-meant ones
Five things parents say on the ride home because they care, and why they rarely land the way they’re meant.
Every one of these comes from a loving place. You’ll probably recognize yourself in one or two. Once you can spot yours, it’s easier to catch it next time.
Part of The Ride Home, practice for the drive home after games, from Aaron Lewis, CMPC. Free.
Five that come from caring
The same night for all five. Your son is fourteen. He played a solid match until match point, when he got caught flat-footed on a drop shot.
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Your verdict first
“I thought you did really well.”
It encourages him, and it answers for him.
Encouragement from parents is one of the things that builds young athletes’ confidence. It also gives your verdict on his game before he’s sized it up himself. In skill learning, athletes who assess their own performance first tend to learn more from it.
Your part insteadLet him go first. Ask how he saw it before you add anything.
Based on: sport confidence research and motor learning research on feedback
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Making him feel better
“Tough one. You’ll get them next time.”
Kind, and it’s about the score.
It tells him the result is what you were tracking, and that the next game is about getting it back. Feedback from parents is one of the places young athletes get their confidence, so what you lead with matters. Results depend on a lot he can’t control. What he was working on is his.
Your part insteadLet the feeling be there instead of talking him out of it. Then hand him the timing: “Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
Based on: achievement motivation and sport confidence research
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The fix
“That last one, you’ve got to stay on your toes. We’ll work on it this week.”
You’re probably right about it, and he probably already knows.
He felt himself get caught flat-footed before anyone said a word. Players get their own feedback from the play itself, so this soon, yours probably isn’t news to him. And when someone else’s read always comes first, players tend to lean on it instead of trusting their own.
Your part insteadHold the fix until he asks. If he wants help, he can tell you what kind.
Based on: motor learning research on feedback
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Filling the quiet
He says “Fine,” and looks out the window. Right away:
“Just fine? What happened out there? What did Coach say?”
Natural, and it takes his turn.
A few words might be all he has yet. Waiting gives him time to answer in his own way, and room to go first. Back-to-back questions are one of the pitfalls trained interviewers watch for, and listening is what encourages a person to keep talking. This isn’t staying quiet the whole ride. It’s leaving a little room after he answers.
Your part insteadLet the quiet sit before you fill it. If he doesn’t add anything, that part is his.
Based on: counseling interviewing skills
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Taking over the plan
Later he says, “I want to work on my first step.”
“Good. Footwork drills every night this week. I’ll come with you.”
Generous, and it takes over his plan.
He picked what to work on. This picks the how and the when for him. Kids who feel in control of their own decisions tend to stay more motivated.
Your part insteadLeave the plan his, even when you have a good one. Ask, “How do you want to work on it?”
Based on: self-determination theory
They just come second
None of these are wrong to do. Your read, your comfort, the fix and the plan all have their place. They tend to land better after he’s had his turn. Your part is the room you give him. What he does with it is his.
Try the ride home before you have it.
Tell us what happened, and see how each thing you say tends to land. Free, about five minutes.
Practice the one that’s yours.
My practice shows the one you’re working on, and how your part is going.