The Ride Home
  1. 1ObserveDuring the game
  2. 2AskIn the car
    2AskIn the car
  3. 3Their callWhat’s next
    3Their callWhat’s next

Volleyball

Observe

Watch what your kid did, not just what happened. Keep what you saw to yourself until they ask.

Part of The Ride Home, practice for the drive home after games, from Aaron Lewis, CMPC. This lesson is free.

Before the first serve

First, check yourself

Observe starts before the first serve, with you.

Think of a day you brought work home, and someone at home caught the edge of it.

You bring your whole life to the gym: work, money, family, your health, whatever you’re worried about. Some nights the game isn’t the heaviest thing in the car.

So check yourself before the first serve, and again before they get in the car. How are you, not just about the game? Tired, stressed, worried, short on patience, still hot about a call?

The check-in

  • Green. Settled. Go ahead.
  • Yellow. Wound up, and you know it. Slow down. Take one long breath out, longer than the breath in. Then go.
  • Red. Not settled yet. Wait. Just drive. Quiet is a fine answer tonight.

Based on: emotion regulation research on check-ins and breathing

The tool

How Observe works

Three things, one for each part of the game: what to ask yourself while you watch, how to act in the stands, and what to do with what you saw.

In your head

“Did they do what they meant to do, whatever happened?”

In the stands

Watch like a scout. Cheer like a fan.

Afterward

Keep one specific thing you saw. Share it if they ask.

If she asks what you thought: “The point after your missed serve. You came right back like nothing happened.”

During the game

What to watch for

The scoreboard shows what happened. These show what your kid did, which is the part they control. Pick one or two to watch; you don’t need the whole list.

Anyone can spot these

  • The next play after a mistakeSame routine? Same body language? That’s the one to watch most.
  • After a rough rotationSame pace, same routine?
  • Close, late in the setStill serving tough, or just trying to get it over?
  • After a bad callWatch the response, not the call.

If you know volleyball, add these

  • PassingA good pass counts, even when the point goes the other way.
  • At the netA smart shot counts, even when it gets dug.
  • On defenseGoing for every ball, covering the hitter, calling it.

Practice

Try it

A rep before the real thing. Here’s a moment from the stands. Pick what you’d do, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your daughter, and why.

Your turn

Your daughter’s serve hits the line, and the ref calls it out. You’re sure it was in. The parent behind you starts yelling at the ref. What do you do?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

The research

Why it works

Why noticing what your kid did beats watching the scoreboard.

Think about being judged only on numbers you partly control: a sales month, a project your team dropped. Then think about a boss who noticed the effort and care you put in every day, whether the numbers came or not. Which one made you want to keep at it?

Your kid’s game works the same way.

Results depend on a lot a player can’t control: the other team, the refs, a hard hit right at their libero. Players who focus on their own effort and improvement are watching the part they have more control over. Players who focus on how they stack up against others can lose motivation when they start coming out behind.

What you notice matters. Feedback and encouragement from parents is one of the places young athletes get their confidence.

Based on: achievement motivation and sport confidence research

Watch out for

Where it goes wrong

Two common ways this goes wrong, usually from a parent who cares a lot.

The postgame breakdown“You were late on your approach all day.”Accurate, and said in the car without being asked. Done every time, it makes you a second coach, and they start waiting for your read instead of trusting their own.
The sideline coach“Get low!”Think of someone giving you directions while you parallel park. Parents are on the research’s list of outside distractions during a game. Instruction can come at another time and place.