Football

“I went to the camp and no college coach talked to me.”What do you say?

For Football Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One camp is one camp. Let him size it up before you add what was at stake.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“How do you think the camp went?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your son is going into his senior year. He went to a one-day camp at the college he’d circled for months. He ran a slow 40, got beat twice in one-on-ones, and no coach talked to him after. In the car he says, “I went to the camp and no college coach talked to me.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“That was a big chance. You have to be ready when it counts.”

“What did the coaches say? Did you get anyone’s number?”

The first adds what was at stake to a day he already feels went badly. The second puts the college coaches at the center of the ride home. Neither starts with how he saw his own day.

Your own historyDid you ever play badly when it mattered most? What did you need afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One camp is one camp

Think of a job interview that went badly. “I was nervous and rambled” and “I’m not good enough for that job” feel very different by the next interview.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I was nervous and rushed everything.”“I was slow off the line all day.”About this camp: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always choke when it matters.”“I’m not good enough to play in college.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond football, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

What was at stake at this camp doesn’t need adding tonight. He already knows. Let him size up his own day first.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

Leave the college coaches out of it for now. Let him size up the camp before you add what was at stake.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“How do you think the camp went?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s about this camp, and it can go differently next time. Say it back, and let him tell the rest.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to this camp: “Tell me about the drills.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the one-on-ones.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you think the camp went?” He says, “Terrible. They’re never going to look at me again.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what this camp means for him, and what he wants to work on before the next one. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One camp is one camp. Let him size it up before you add what was at stake.

Practice this one with your own kid

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