Football

“Coach pulled me after I fumbled.”What do you say?

For Football Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One fumble doesn’t decide who he is. Ask how he saw it before you say anything about the coach.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“How did it feel, coming out?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Second quarter, and your son fumbles near midfield. The coach sends in the backup, and he doesn’t carry the ball again. In the car he says, “Coach pulled me after I fumbled.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“He benches anybody who puts the ball on the ground.”

“High and tight. Every carry, every time.”

The first takes his side against the coach. The second is a lesson he didn’t ask for. Both decide what tonight meant before he’s said how he saw it.

Your own historyDid a coach ever take you out before you thought you were done? What did you want from the adults around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Why the coach pulled him is a question for another day

Coaches pull a player after a fumble for lots of reasons. To make a point about ball security, to settle him down, to give the backup a look, or because one play worried them more than it did you. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableComing out early gives him fewer chances to show what he can do.

Feeling connectedHe can start to feel like he’s watching his team from the sideline.

Feeling it’s his choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach made the change is worth working out later, and mostly between him and his coach. Tonight, let him decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re angrier than he is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving before you say anything about the coach.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“How did it feel, coming out?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told him about his role.

Listen for this one. It turns one play into something about who he is. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first quarter.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How did it feel, coming out?” He says, “I fumbled once. Everybody fumbles. He kept me out the rest of the game.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: whether to ask the coach about it, and how. If he wants help planning what to say, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One fumble doesn’t decide who he is. Ask how he saw it before you say anything about the coach.

Practice this one with your own kid

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