Golf

“I made an eight and it wrecked my whole round.”What do you say?

For Golf Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One hole is one hole. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through that hole.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your son was two over through twelve. On thirteen he hit two balls in the water and made an eight. In the car he says, “I made an eight and it wrecked my whole round.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“Take away the eight, and you shot 74.”

“Next time, take your medicine and lay up.”

The first tries to erase the hole. The second is a lesson he didn’t ask for. Neither starts with how he saw it.

Your own historyDid one mistake ever spoil a day you’d been proud of? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains today, in plain words.

One hole is one hole

Think of one bad meeting in an otherwise good week. “I got flustered and pushed too hard” and “I always fall apart” feel very different by Monday.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I got mad after the first ball and rushed the next one.”“I went for the green when I should have laid up.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always blow up.”“I can’t handle pressure.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond golf, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

A blowup hole sits on the scorecard for everyone to see. He already knows what it cost. Let him size it up before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still feeling that hole yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through that hole.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels today. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Always” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to today: “Tell me about today’s round.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the holes after that.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through that hole.” He says, “I hit one in the water, got mad, and hit the next one in too. So stupid.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he takes from that hole, and what he wants to work on before the next tournament. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One hole is one hole. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

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