“I didn’t make the top team.”What do you say?

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

The first blames the coaches before he’s said a word. The second jumps to next year while he’s still in this one. Neither starts with how he saw tryouts.

Your own historyDid you ever get placed lower than you expected? What did you want to hear that night?

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Which team he’s on is a question for another day

Kids get placed on a lower team for lots of reasons. Numbers, the positions the coaches needed, one slow tryout, or how the coaches see his development. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how he feels about his place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

What he does next is worth working out later, and it’s his to decide. He might stay, ask the coaches what they want to see, or try another club. Tonight, let him say what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

What you might hear Tap one

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first skate.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Whose call is it?