“Coach’s daughter never sits.”What do you say?

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

The first puts your read of the coach at the center of the night. The second decides what to do before she’s said what she thinks.

Your own historyDid you ever play for a coach who seemed to favor someone? What did you want from your own parents?

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Whether it’s fair is a question for another day

Parent coaches play their own kids for lots of reasons. Sometimes their kid is better right now, sometimes it’s a blind spot, sometimes it’s both. You won’t sort out which on the drive home, and your read on the coach can drown out hers.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Whether the coach is being fair is worth thinking through later, and what to do about it is hers to decide. Tonight, let her say what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

What you might hear Tap one

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Whose call is it?