Softball

“I walked three in a row and got pulled.”What do you say?

For Softball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

The pitching change isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she saw it before you say anything about the coach.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“How did it feel out there in the circle?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Third inning, and your daughter walks three batters in a row. The coach comes out and takes the ball. In the car she says, “I walked three in a row and got pulled.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“He pulls every pitcher the second she struggles.”

“You’re rushing your release. We’ll fix it tomorrow.”

The first takes her side against the coach. The second is a lesson she didn’t ask for. Both decide what tonight meant before she’s said how she saw it.

Your own historyDid a coach ever take you out before you thought you were done? What did you want from the adults around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Why he took the ball is a question for another day

Coaches change pitchers for lots of reasons. Her pitch count, a matchup, a pitcher they want to see, or because one inning worried them more than it did you. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableComing out early gives her fewer chances to show what she can do.

Feeling connectedShe can start to feel like she’s watching her team from the dugout.

Feeling it’s her choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach made the change is worth working out later, and mostly between her and her coach. Tonight, let her decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re angrier than she is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving before you say anything about the coach.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“How did it feel out there in the circle?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told her about her role.

Listen for this one. It turns one inning into something about who she is. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How did it feel out there in the circle?” She says, “The ump wasn’t giving me the corner, and then I started aiming.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she wants to work on with her pitching, and whether to ask her coach about it. If she wants help planning what to say, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

The pitching change isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she saw it before you say anything about the coach.

Practice this one with your own kid

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