Swimming

“I missed the cut by a tenth.”What do you say?

For Swimming Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One race doesn’t decide who she is. Let her tell you how she saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“How did the race feel?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your daughter has chased the sectionals cut in the 200 free all season. Tonight she swam a best time and missed it by a tenth. In the car she says, “I missed the cut by a tenth.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“Your last turn was slow. That was your tenth.”

“A tenth. All that work, and a tenth.”

The first is a lesson she didn’t ask for. The second says out loud what she’s already telling herself. Neither starts with how she saw the race.

Your own historyDid you ever come up just short of something you’d worked all year for? What did you want from the people around you that night?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One race is one race

Think of missing a deadline by one day. “I needed one more day” and “I never get anything done on time” feel very different by the next deadline.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“My last 50 fell apart.”“I didn’t nail my last turn.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I’m never going to make that cut.”“I always come up short.”She blames herself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond swimming, she can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

A best time that misses the cut by a tenth still stings. She already knows how close it was. Let her size up the race before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still staring at that tenth yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“How did the race feel?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let her tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s race.”

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first 100.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How did the race feel?” She says, “I felt great at the 100. Then my last 50 fell apart.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she wants to work on before her next shot at the cut. If she wants help with a plan, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One race doesn’t decide who she is. Let her tell you how she saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

Not sure yet? Try a free practice ride first

Season

$49

Launch price

4 months. Every kid and every sport in that season.

Get the season

Best value

Full year

$89

Launch price

The whole year, for less than two seasons. Every sport, every kid.

Get the year