Swimming

“I DQ’d our relay.”What do you say?

For Swimming Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

She already knows how it went. Let her tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until she asks.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“Walk me through the exchange.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Championship meet, the 400 free relay. Your daughter leaves the block early on her exchange, and the relay gets DQ’d. In the car she says, “I DQ’d our relay.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“That was careless. You know the rule.”

“Your teammates swam their hearts out for that relay.”

Both may be true. Both are verdicts she can already hear in her own head, and neither lets her tell it first.

Your own historyDid you ever let a group down in front of everyone? What helped you own it, and what made you dig in?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

What she does with it depends on how she explains it

Think of one rushed email that went to the whole office. “I hit send too fast” and “I always mess things up” lead to very different next weeks.

The explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I was so amped I went early.”“I tried to steal too much on the start.”About tonight: something she can do differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always ruin everything.”“The officials have it out for us.”“Always,” or blaming someone else for good, makes next time look the same.

If she names her own part, it’s hers to work on. A lesson from you tonight can end the conversation before she gets there.

Based on: attribution theory and motivational interviewing

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re embarrassed or upset about the DQ, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“Walk me through the exchange.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Hear it out. Another day, you can ask what she’d do differently.

That’s her owning it, and it’s heavy. Say it back, and let her tell you the rest.

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the meet.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through the exchange.” She says, “We were right with the leaders, and I wanted to get a jump. I knew I was cutting it close.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she takes from tonight, and whether to say anything to her coach or her relay. If she wants help with that, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

She already knows how it went. Let her tell you what happened first, and hold the lesson until she asks.

Practice this one with your own kid

The full version

Practice every ride home.

Unlimited practice rides, any night, with your own kid’s details. Full notes on every line you try, the three short lessons, and help that steps back as you get better.

Not sure yet? Try a free practice ride first

Season

$49

Launch price

4 months. Every kid and every sport in that season.

Get the season

Best value

Full year

$89

Launch price

The whole year, for less than two seasons. Every sport, every kid.

Get the year