Tennis

“I lost to a kid with a way lower UTR.”What do you say?

For Tennis Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One loss is one loss. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add the ratings.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“How do you think the match went?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

First round of a tournament four hours from home, and your son loses in straight sets to a player rated a full point below him. In the car he says, “I lost to a kid with a way lower UTR.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“We drove four hours for this?”

“He’s rated a full point lower. You should have won easily.”

The first puts the trip at the center of the night. The second adds the numbers to a loss he already feels. Neither starts with how he saw it.

Your own historyDid you ever lose to someone you were supposed to beat? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One loss is one loss

Think of losing a client to a smaller company. “We got comfortable and didn’t prepare” and “We’re slipping” feel very different by the next proposal.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I got impatient and went for too much.”“He got every ball back, and I didn’t adjust.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I’m getting worse.”“I always lose to pushers.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond tennis, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

He already knows what the ratings say. Let him size up the match before you add the numbers.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If the drive and the money are on your mind, keep them there for now. His read comes first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“How do you think the match went?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest before you add anything.

Listen for this one. It turns one match into something about who he is. Bring it back to today: “Tell me about today’s match.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first set.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you think the match went?” He says, “He just pushed everything back, and I kept missing. I hate playing pushers.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he wants to work on before the next tournament, and whether to ask his coach about it. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One loss is one loss. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add the ratings.

Practice this one with your own kid

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