Tennis

“I had match point and lost.”What do you say?

For Tennis Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One point doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through match point.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Third set, and your son is up 5-2 with match point. He double-faults, and then he loses five straight games and the match. In the car he says, “I had match point and lost.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You need a safer second serve when it matters.”

“Don’t worry. Nobody will remember it.”

The first is a fix he didn’t ask for. The second tells him it doesn’t matter, when it clearly does to him. Neither starts with how he saw it.

Your own historyDid you ever let a big lead slip away with everyone watching? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One match point is one point

Think of a deal you thought was done, then lost at the last minute. “I stopped pushing once I thought I had it” and “I always blow it at the end” feel very different by the next one.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I started playing not to lose.”“I got tentative on my second serve.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always choke at the end.”“I can’t close out a match.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond tennis, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

He already knows how that match got away. Let him size it up before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still feeling that match point yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through match point.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Always” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s match.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first two sets.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through match point.” He says, “I just wanted to get the serve in, so I pushed it. Then I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: what he wants to work on before the next close match. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One point doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

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