Volleyball

“I got put on the 2s.”What do you say?

For Volleyball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Tonight isn’t for fixing it. Let her say how she sees it before you talk about what’s next.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“What were tryouts like for you?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Club tryouts ended tonight, and the offer emails came in on the drive home. Most of your daughter’s friends got 15-1s offers. Hers is for the 15-2s. She looks up from her phone and says, “I got put on the 2s.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“Those coaches had the 1s picked before anyone touched a ball.”

“Get your reps on the 2s, and you’ll be on the 1s at 16s.”

The first blames the coaches before she’s said a word. The second jumps to next year while she’s still in this one. Neither starts with how she saw tryouts.

Your own historyDid you ever get placed lower than you expected? What did you want to hear that night?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Which team she’s on is a question for another day

Kids get placed on a second team for lots of reasons. Numbers, the positions the coaches needed, one slow tryout, or how the coaches see her development. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableA lower team can make her wonder what she can do.

Feeling connectedHer friends on the other team can leave her feeling outside the group.

Feeling it’s her choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

What she does next, stay, ask the coaches what they want to see, or try another club, is worth working out later, and it’s hers to decide. Tonight, let her say what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re angrier at the coaches than she is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“What were tryouts like for you?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Say it back before you add anything.

Listen for this one. It turns one tryout into something about who she is. Bring it back to this week: “Tell me about tryouts.”

That’s a good question, and the coaches are the ones who can answer it. Ask if she wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about tryouts.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “What were tryouts like for you?” She says, “I passed fine and hit well in the scrimmage. They just picked their favorites.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: whether to stay, ask the coaches what they want to see from her, or look at other clubs. If she wants help thinking it through, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Tonight isn’t for fixing it. Let her say how she sees it before you talk about what’s next.

Practice this one with your own kid

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