Volleyball

“I served it into the net at set point.”What do you say?

For Volleyball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One serve is one serve. Let her tell you how she saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“Walk me through that serve.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Set point in the fourth set, and her team is down two sets to one. Your daughter serves into the net. Her team loses the next two points, the set and the match. In the car she says, “I served it into the net at set point.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You need a safer serve when it matters.”

“Don’t worry, nobody will remember it.”

The first is a fix she didn’t ask for. The second tells her it doesn’t matter, when it clearly does to her. Neither starts with how she saw it.

Your own historyDid you ever blow a big moment everyone saw? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One serve is one serve

Think of one fumbled answer in a big interview. “I rushed it” and “I always freeze when it counts” feel very different by the next one.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I rushed my toss.”“I tried to serve it too hard.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always choke at the end.”“I’m never serving at set point again.”She blames herself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond volleyball, she can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

She already knows what that serve cost. Let her size it up before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still feeling that serve yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“Walk me through that serve.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let her tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Always” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s serve.”

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the match.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through that serve.” She says, “I wanted it to be perfect, so I rushed everything.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she wants to work on before the next close set. If she wants help with a plan, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One serve is one serve. Let her tell you how she saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

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