“College coaches were there and I played terrible.”What do you say?

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

The first adds what was at stake to a weekend she already feels went badly. The second puts the college coaches at the center of the ride home. Neither starts with how she saw her own game.

Your own historyDid you ever play badly when it mattered most? What did you need afterward?

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One weekend is one weekend

Think of a job interview that went badly. “I was nervous and rambled” and “I’m not good enough for that job” feel very different by the next interview.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

What was at stake this weekend doesn’t need adding tonight. She already knows. Let her size up her own game first.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

What you might hear Tap one

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the first game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Whose call is it?