Soccer

“I lost us the shootout.”What do you say?

For Soccer Son

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One kick doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If he wants to talk“Walk me through the kick.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Penalty shootout, and your son takes the fifth kick. He hits the post, and the other team wins. In the car he says, “I lost us the shootout.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You were the best player out there all game.”

“Next time, pick your spot early and don’t change it.”

The first tries to cancel the kick out. The second is a lesson he didn’t ask for. Neither starts with how he saw it.

Your own historyDid you ever miss in a moment everyone saw? What did you want from the people around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

One kick is one kick

Think of one bad presentation in front of the whole office. “I rushed the ending” and “I always freeze up” feel very different by the next one.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I went for the corner and hit the post.”“I changed my mind on the run-up.”About this moment: something that can go differently next time.

Next time looks the same“I always choke.”“I’m never taking one again.”He blames himself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond soccer, he can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

A shootout puts one kid in front of everyone. He already knows how it went. Let him size it up before you add anything.

Based on: attribution theory and learned helplessness research

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re still feeling that kick yourself, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If he wants to talk:

“Walk me through the kick.”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let him tell you the rest before you add anything.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s kick.”

That’s him looking at his own part, which is something he can work on. Let him lead. If he wants your view, he’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through the kick.” He says, “I picked a corner, then I changed my mind on the run-up. So dumb.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

His to decide: whether he wants to take a penalty again, and what he’ll work on before the next one. If he wants help with a plan, he can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One kick doesn’t decide who he is. Let him tell you how he saw it before you add anything.

Practice this one with your own kid

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