Volleyball

“Coach made me a DS.”What do you say?

For Volleyball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Where she plays isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she sees her role before you weigh in.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your daughter has played outside hitter since she started. Tonight the coach had her at DS again: serve, pass, and sub out when she rotates to the front row. In the car she says, “Coach made me a DS.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You’ve got the best arm on that team. You should be hitting.”

“Ask him for front-row reps at practice, or we look at other clubs next season.”

Both are on her side. Both also decide what her position means, and what to do about it, before she’s said what she thinks.

Your own historyDid a coach ever play you somewhere you didn’t want to be? What did you want to hear?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Her position is a question for another day

Coaches move players for lots of reasons. The team needs cover there, they see something in her, they want every player to learn more than one position, or they simply see it differently than you do. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capablePlaying only in the back row gives her fewer chances to show what she does best.

Feeling connectedShe can start to feel like the team’s plan doesn’t include her.

Feeling it’s her choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach moved her is worth asking, and mostly between her and her coach. Tonight, let her decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re more upset about the position than she is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“How do you see your role on this team right now?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told her about her role.

“Never” is the word to listen for. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s match.”

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if she wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice this week.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How do you see your role on this team right now?” She says, “I’m just filling a hole in serve receive. Anyone could do it.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she wants to play, and whether to ask the coach about it. If she wants help planning what to say, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Where she plays isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she sees her role before you weigh in.

Practice this one with your own kid

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