Volleyball

“They kept serving me, and I shanked everything.”What do you say?

For Volleyball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

One rough passing night isn’t who she is. Let her say how she saw it, and hold the fix until she asks.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“Walk me through serve receive tonight.”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

The other team served your daughter ball after ball tonight. She shanked most of them and got subbed out in serve receive. In the car she says, “They kept serving me, and I shanked everything.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“You’re dropping your arms. We’ll work on it this week.”

“Why did the coach leave you back there so long?”

The first is a fix she didn’t ask for. The second turns it toward the coach. Neither starts with how she saw it.

Your own historyDid a skill you counted on ever fall apart on you in a match? What did you want from the people around you?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Watch how she explains it, not just the passes

Think of a week at work when the one thing you’re known for kept going wrong. “I was rushing” and “I’m just bad at this” feel very different by Friday.

After a setback, the explanations that tend to help are the ones that leave room for next time to go differently.

Next time can go differently“I was rushing and swinging at it.”“Their server had a nasty float.”About tonight: something she can work on, or a tough server.

Next time looks the same“I can’t pass anymore.”“I’m just bad at serve receive.”She blames herself, and it sounds permanent. When a kid explains setbacks this way, and it spreads beyond volleyball, she can stop trying because effort no longer seems to matter.

More advice may not be the answer. Players who get frequent tips tend to lean on them instead of their own feel. And thinking about mechanics during a match, like her platform, can pull her out of just competing.

Based on: attribution theory, learned helplessness research, motor learning research on feedback, and research on attention under pressure

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you saw every shank from the stands, keep the fix for later. Her read comes first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“Walk me through serve receive tonight.”

What you might hear Tap one

They probably were, and that’s part of the match. Let her say how it felt before you add anything.

Listen for this one. It turns one night into something about who she is. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s match.”

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the match.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You say, “Walk me through serve receive tonight.” She says, “They kept serving me, so I started overthinking every pass.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: what she wants to work on, and whether to ask her coach for help with it. If she wants yours, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

One rough passing night isn’t who she is. Let her say how she saw it, and hold the fix until she asks.

Practice this one with your own kid

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