Basketball

“Nobody passes me the ball.”What do you say?

For Basketball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

Let her say what she saw on the floor first, and hold the fix until she asks.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“What did you see out there tonight?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Your daughter touched the ball maybe three times tonight. In the car she says, “Nobody passes me the ball.” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“I’ll ask the coach to run more plays for you.”

“You need to be more aggressive. Go get the ball.”

The first takes it over for her. The second is a fix she didn’t ask for. Both skip what she saw on the floor.

Your own historyWere you ever on a team where you felt left out of the action? What did you want from the adults around you?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

This is about where she fits on the team

Kids touch the ball less for lots of reasons. The plays run somewhere else, a teammate is hot, she isn’t getting open, or her teammates don’t look for her yet. You won’t sort out which on the drive home, and tonight her read matters more than yours.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableFewer touches give her fewer chances to show what she can do.

Feeling connectedWhen the ball doesn’t come, she can start to feel outside her own team.

Feeling it’s her choiceHolding the fix until she asks protects this one.

How to get more touches is a question for her, and maybe her coach, another day. Tonight, let her say what she saw.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you saw it too and you’re frustrated, keep your read for later. Hers comes first.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“What did you see out there tonight?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight. Say it back, and let her tell the rest before you add anything.

Listen for this one. It turns one night into something about who she is. Bring it back to tonight: “Tell me about tonight’s game.”

That’s her looking at her own part, which is something she can work on. Let her lead. If she wants your view, she’ll ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “What did you see out there tonight?” She says, “I was open like five times. One girl just shoots every time.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: whether to say anything to her coach or her teammate, and what. If she wants help thinking it through, she can ask.

Finish

If you remember one thing

Let her say what she saw on the floor first, and hold the fix until she asks.

Practice this one with your own kid

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