Basketball

“Coach pulls me after one mistake!”What do you say?

For Basketball Daughter

By Aaron Lewis, CMPC, a mental performance consultant who has worked in Major League Baseball, college football and with Special Operations Forces.

The short version

The sub isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she saw her time on the floor before you say anything about the coach.

Two lines to try

In the car“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”
If she wants to talk“How did tonight feel out there?”

Or walk through it first

5 short steps · about 3 minutes

Start

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Your turn

Second quarter, and your daughter throws one bad pass. The coach pulls her right away, and she sits the rest of the half. In the car she says, “Coach pulls me after one mistake!” What do you say?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Next: What you’ll want to say

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

“He benches anyone who makes a mistake. It’s ridiculous.”

“You have to take care of the ball. Two hands on that pass.”

The first sides with her against the coach. The second is a lesson she didn’t ask for. Both decide what tonight meant before she’s said how she saw it.

Your own historyDid a coach ever pull you for one mistake? What did you want from the adults around you afterward?

Next: What’s really going on

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Why she came out is a question for another day

Coaches pull players for lots of reasons. To teach, to rest her, to change the matchup, or because one play stood out to them more than it did to you. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

Feeling capableA quick hook gives her fewer chances to show what she can do.

Feeling connectedShe can start to feel like she’s watching her team from outside.

Feeling it’s her choiceThis is the one you can protect tonight.

Why the coach made the call is worth working out later, and mostly between her and her coach. Tonight, let her decide what it means.

Based on: self-determination theory

Next: In the car

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

If you’re angrier than she is, give it a few quiet minutes of driving before you say anything about the coach.

“Want to talk about it, or not right now?”

If not, let it be. If she wants to talk:

“How did you see your time out there tonight?”

What you might hear Tap one

That’s how it feels tonight, and it’s worth hearing out. Another day, you can ask what the coach has told her about her role.

That’s worth slowing down for. Say it back in her words, and let her tell you the rest before you add anything.

That’s a good question, and the coach is the one who can answer it. Ask if she wants help thinking through how to ask.

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about the rest of the game.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Next: Then what?

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Your turn

You ask, “How did you see your time out there tonight?” She says, “I made one bad pass. Everybody makes bad passes. He only does it to me.” What do you say next?

How this tends to land with your kid

Shuts them downOpens them up

Whose call is it?

Hers to decide: whether to ask the coach about it, and how. If she wants help planning what to say, she can tell you.

Finish

If you remember one thing

The sub isn’t yours to fix tonight. Ask how she saw her time on the floor before you say anything about the coach.

Practice this one with your own kid

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