“On my club team I start. Here I barely play.”What do you say?

Step 1 of 5

What would you say?

A rep before the real thing. Pick what you’d most likely say, and you’ll see how it tends to land with your kid, from shutting them down to opening them up.

Step 2 of 5

What you’ll want to say

The words that come first on a night like this, why they come so easily, and why they tend to miss.

Both are on her side. Both also decide what her role means, and what to do about it, before she’s said what she thinks.

Your own historyDid you ever have a smaller role on one team than on another? What did you want to hear about it?

Step 3 of 5

What’s really going on

The one idea that explains tonight, in plain words.

Her role here is a question for another day

A smaller role on a school team happens for lots of reasons. Older players, a different system, a deep position, or a coach who sees her differently than her club coach does. Some of those are fair and some aren’t, and you won’t sort out which on the drive home.

What tonight can affect is how she feels about her place on the team, which is what keeps kids in a sport over time. Three things help:

If she wants a bigger role, what she does about it is hers to decide, and her coach is the one who can tell her what it would take.

Based on: self-determination theory

Step 4 of 5

In the car

What to do, in the order it comes up.

What you might hear Tap one

Then keep it going. Say back what you heard, in their words, or ask about one thing they mentioned, in a way that leaves the answer to them: “Tell me about practice this week.” The urge to fix it, or to talk them out of how they feel, is your cue to do one of these instead.

Step 5 of 5

Then what?

This is where most parents slip back into old habits. Pick what you’d say next.

Whose call is it?